Dr Bill...

Actual Bellarmine Report for Dr. Bill!

Reverend Dr. Bill

Date: Wednesday, February 16th 2005
RE: Disease decimating Bellarmine Campus

Apparently, I have been singled-out by an Al Qaeda cell to be weaponized. As far as I can tell, they have inoculated me with Smallpox, Ebola, Bird Flu, Pink Eye and Colic. I first noticed something was wrong about 18:30 last Friday. By 19:00 my temperature shot up and I passed out. Thus began my non-drug-induced comatose weekend. Over the next 34 hours I attained consciousness only long enough to convulse when my temperature peaked around 105°. The dogs were greatly amused by this and made side bets as to the duration of each convulsive episode. The high temperatures came in handy since, unlike lesser hominids, my brain continues to grow new neurons on a daily basis. Normally I kill off the excess nerve cells with copious quantities of ethanol, inhalants, and drugs but the convulsions and high temperatures provided a natural mechanism for culling excess brain cells while I was comatose (otherwise, my brain would explode).

I finally awoke from my coma Sunday at 09:30 (about 34 hr later). I found that both my tongue and lips were cracked and bleeding and immediately thought "Ebola". Upon checking my eyes I found they weren't bleeding and realized that drinking water while running a high fever with cold sweats is probably a good idea. I made a note to myself and hung it on the refrigerator door (both inside and outside).

It was time to catch up with the animals since I hadn't spoke to them in over a day. Much had changed in their lives. Son-of-Sam now wants to be the Dali Lama. This is actually a relief since the Son-of-Sam persona was beginning to wear on me with his bazaar suggestions while Dali Lama is quiet most of the time. Here's the Dali Lama:

The other dog, Schrodinger, has a great interest in quantum relativity (yes, I know he's supposed to be a cat, but he's convinced he is, so it all works out). Over the past two days Schrodinger has (finally) figured out how black holes evaporate information (as in Hawking losing a bet last November). So far, Hawking hasn't provided a proof and no one else in the astrophysics community has advanced a theory. This is Schrodinger:

Schrodinger explained to me that information (or anything else) couldn't possibly leave a black hole by passing through the event horizon to the outside. Instead, information leaves through quantum teleportation as clearly shown in the following diagram. Alice is inside the event horizon while Bob is outside. Check it out on the web and you'll find no one else in the astrophysics community, including Hawking, has provided an explanation. When the proof is made public, Shrodinger is positive he has already shown the mechanism. It didn't escape him that this is also the key required for GUT. Schrodinger suggested that Hawking should finish his proof near the end of this year (1424 AD); perhaps by 42 Marchuary.

.

Bobo has decided to leave her position as cult leader. A picture of her in her finest robes is below:

Bobo has begun her new career as a SciFi novelist. An outline of her first book has been accepted by a publisher and she sent the first four chapters to her editor on Saturday. Her new book is titled "Vanilla Ice Cream with Lanthanide Sprinkles". She hopes this will be the first in a series that will rival Dune in it's expanse and popularity. The protagonists, the Army of the Zombie Bimbos from Vermagulax are expected to spin off a separate television series! I think it's pretty cool she has such confidence that she can leave a cushy, but well-respected position as a cult leader to begin an entirely new profession! I know I've been reticent to drop my day job as a minor deity, so I'm all the more impressed!

Xena still can't be bothered to have an extended conversation with the "animal that walks on hind legs and can't properly stay on all fours who therefore should be ignored even though it feeds me", as she calls me. Briefly in passing, she informed me that she is still the Monarch of Kentucky and, by extension, Antarctica. I'm proud of her since she's always had a plan and has stuck to it!

I'm a little worried about the Guinea Pigs. They've decided they want to compete in the upcoming RoboCup. I patiently tried to explain to them that they weren't pre-programmed mechanical contrivances, but to no avail. They are positive they are cybernetic systems and can't be convinced otherwise. I'll probably go along with their wishes and will disguise each by wrapping them in aluminum foil.

About four hours after coming out of my coma, a brand new bronchial disease hit me! Although it didn't put me in a coma, it was still pretty cool! Listen to my lungs here! This is especially impressive since a stethoscope wasn't required and I simply held the tiny microphone of my Palm Pilot in front of my mouth! Pretty cool, huh?

Next, A letter to the Biology Faculty:

From: Tietjen, Dr. Bill
Sent: Wednesday, February 16, 2005 15:24
To: Robinson, Dr. David; Porta, Dr. David; Wilt, Dr. Steven D.; Huff, Dr. Mary; Bennett, Dr. Tom; Dobbins, Dr. Joanne; Kingsolver, Dr. Robert
Subject: Bragging Rights

 Friends,

 As you all know, until recently, the administration hated me above all others in the school and, indeed the Earth (which, as you know is where we live).

I now provide evidence that they now like me more than you. Recently, new emergency lighting has been installed almost directly across from my office. It is ultra modern in form and uses halogen lamps that can be easily aimed to a variety of locations up and down the hall. It is of the same quality that one would expect on the bridge of Enterprise! Before, all we had in this hall was a Carbide Miner’s lantern. Now I rate the highest quality, aesthetically pleasing, and most advanced emergency light!

 Images follow. I’ve finally made it! Eat you hearts out! (And thank YOU Rob).

 Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!

BillT

This is Dr. Bennett's deflating response:

My response to Dr. Bennett:

Damn! And I thought I could keep it a secret about what I was doing with all that duct tape and the penguins..

Rob… Am I in trouble, or is the penguin thing still within acceptable limits? What about all the live carp nailed to my office walls? They ARE on specially-modified respirators!

Meet the Tietjens!

This is my lovely Daughter

And my younger son

My older son (the Molecular Neurodevelopmental Biologist) and his wife (a PhD sociologist).

And this is my best friend! (She's in the Witness Protection Program)

Bill? Bill, can you hear me through this door? Are you asleep again? Your mom said you got up to use the bathroom a minute ago. She was hoping you were coming down to have dinner with us. No? Hello? Well, son, I know that you have a real problem; at least, that's what the therapist tells us. Anyway, you're not alone. We all get a little low sometimes. Life is certainly no picnic—don't I know it! But usually, after a while, folks snap out of their funks. Not because they want to, but because they come around to the fact that they have no choice. The truth is, son, we'd all like to lie around all day being "clinically depressed," but at some point, we have to swallow hard and face the music. Step up to the ol' plate.

There are plenty of mornings I don't want to get up and go to work, but I do. And you know how much your mother hates that exercise bike of hers. Do you see what I'm driving at, son?

Bill, your mom and I love you, and we want you to get well. If you have something, anything, you need to get off your chest, please know that you can share it with us. There's no reason to keep it bottled up. Anything you tell that therapist of yours—what's her name, Dr. Goldbar? Goldbrick? Gold—well, anything you tell her, you can tell us, too. I never did see why you'd rather open up to a complete stranger than to the two people who spent years trying to raise you the best way they knew how, but I'm willing to accept it. Just as I accept that you have a problem that you can't control, even though there might be a solution that's as plain as the nose on your face. I guess what I'm saying, Bill, is: I'm a practical person. I always seek the most direct solution to a problem. That may not be intellectual enough for some people, but it's always worked for me.

Now, come on down to dinner, Bill. Your mom made pork chops.

Son?

Bill, do you know what could make you feel better right off the bat? Raising your blinds and letting in some light. Because, I mean, I can believe you feel clinically depressed in that room of yours—I would, too! Anyone would. It's dark, it smells, and there's mounds of clothes and books all over the floor. Get out of bed, open the window, and do a little picking up. Accomplishing a small task could do a lot to restore your self-confidence.

Speaking of windows, maybe once you get your room clean, you can help your ol' dad put up the screens. It'd be just like way back when! With all the trouble you've had lately, and the running back and forth to the clinic and to your school, I've fallen behind on household chores. You see, I don't have the luxury of spending Saturday staring at the television, all curled up in a blanket even though it's the middle of summer. There's things that need to be done.

I've also had to miss a lot of work. Now, don't worry, your dad is sitting pretty at good old Kenyon Mortgage, but I've caught a little flak from George. Well, it's not fair of him to imply that clinical depression isn't as bad as a real disease. I didn't say this to him, but it's what I believe. Okay? Don't you worry about George one bit.

By the way, did you know that those ambulance fees weren't covered by the company health plan? I got the damned co-pay bill yesterday. I yelled my head off at them over the phone, that's for sure, but the girl said there's nothing they can do. Whew, and those pills you take aren't cheap, either, are they? I figured it out, and they come to about $3 apiece! So, uh, when are they going to take effect? You've been on them for a couple months.

Son?

Look, I think your grandmother had some of this clinical depression herself. I think a lot of it stemmed from her poor upbringing—she never did learn to read or write well. So, you know, her clinical depression wasn't because she was some bored child of privilege. No, she didn't have the luxury of sitting around being clinically depressed. When she got the blues, she sucked it up and carried on, because she knew that life was full of pain—not to mention that she couldn't afford some... shrink.

Now, son, you've had more advantages in your 17 years than Mom had in all her 58, but I'm still willing to meet you halfway on your problem. Hell, I'm even willing to call it a problem, instead of calling it "lying around and feeling sorry for yourself," which is sure what it looks like. You can't claim I'm the ogre here. But that's what you think I am, right? A real jerk. "Fuck you, Butterfat," you once told me. Even though I was only trying to help. Butterfat? At least I don't lounge around in my room all day, wasting away to nothing when there's a decent meal right—

Bill, open this door right now, damn it!

Okay, well now, finally we're getting somewhere. Great to see you at last, son. Look, I'm sorry about being a little tough on you. I suppose ol' Doc Goldwhatever wouldn't be happy. But sometimes, when someone you love is clearly wasting his potential, you have to—hey, where are you going? To the bathroom, again? Bill, why did you lock the door?

Oh, dandy. Just dandy. Son, this is hardly what anyone would call a positive step.

Bill? Bill, answer me!

And you better believe it! VIGOROUSLY!

CAUGHT!

Mental Health Hotline

Trouble at the Faculty art Show...

Here's the original announcement....

And now the back-and-forth e-mails between Caren and myself.....

Dr. Bill's Weekly Bipolar Purchase

Here's my bumper sticker collection before my van blew up. My kids were embarrassed and only let me have five bumper stickers on the new car. You can get Dr. Bill bumper stickers here:

Dr. Bill- Secret Service Persona

Summer Project Finished!

You know those neon lights you can get for your car?

Well, I managed to install one in my toilet!

Pretty neat, huh?