Miscellaneous Products

Item # 29284912: On-screen smokeless pipe. This product allows you to enjoy owning a fine pipe without annoying your co-workers. Available with a straight stem. Only $56.56!

Item # 32405890: On-screen toilet paper. Great for when you run out! Just enough for those messy jobs! Simply print out your picture and you're ready to go! On-screen cost: $6.69.

Item # 21012495023: On-screen Liquor Control Commission Stamps. Legalize all the 'shine you've been making out back by printing out this Liquor Control Board stamp and affixing it to your mason jars! Can be used over and over! Only $64.32!

Item # 812396581: On-screen Amputation Kit: Never have just the right tool for disposing of that body? Ever tried using your Skill saw, only to find that it spatters blood all over the ceiling? Chain saws are fine, but they're too noisy for use in an apartment and tend to buck back at you when you hit a stainless steel leg pin. Order our on-screen amputation kit and you'll always have the right tool for the right job, no matter how nasty the job might be. Only $98.00

Item # 32100950: On-screen Bedpan. Too busy to leave your computer? Use this handy on-screen bedpan to convert your monitor into a desktop potty! Also available for the Palm OS! $23.01 for either version! NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # 12309740125: On-screen Urinal Splash Guard. Use this splash guard with our on-screen bedpan (Item # 32100950) to avoid those messy and embarrassing stains. Only $40.21

Item # 1209471010: On-screen Urinal Cake. Use this on-screen urinal cake with our splash guard (Item # 12309740125) and bedpan (Item # 32100950) to eliminate those pesky and embarrassing odors. Sweet pine scent. Now you can have your cake and eat it tooŽ $1.90

Flip open your palm to display this handy cop badge! Then use your badge to bully and intimidate strangers! Lots of laughs; especially when you order them to come with you at gunpoint! Great for getting someone to volunteer for those special experiments. Note: Install the application along with the NSBasic Runtime. Only $49.44! Get yours here. NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

If you can't read this, you're probably blind. Have a sighted friend read it to you. Once you understand how to use the program you'll never have to ask for help to read your palm computer entries.

This program translates your Graffiti input into brail. The output is in uppercase brail and the only punctuation that is recognized is the period and space. Nonetheless, blind Palm OS users can now easily read their screen input if their fingers are sufficiently sensitive to feel the brail screen output. If you are having trouble feeling the screen, you can try increasing the contrast and/or using the backlight.

A handy 'Beep-to-find' button has also been included. Just press the beep button and you can easily locate the unit by following the pleasant tone. Additionally, blind users can use this button to affirm that they are using their palm computer and not just a television remote. Note: Install the application along with the NSBasic Runtime. Only $4500.00! Get yours here. NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # ITEM#: On-screen Dog-B-Gone. This exciting application emits a 241 decibel ultrasonic noise that is beyond your hearing, but can be heard by dogs, cats, rats, and many other animals. Use it to protect yourself from stray dogs or werewolves. Set it off in a park and watch the squirrels drop out of the trees. Wait until a blind person begins to cross a busy intersection, then disorient their guide dog. Set it off at a pet show and watch the fun! Only $33.33! Purchase your copy! NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # BYOB: On-screen Eye Test: Eye Why pay an optometrist to check your eyes when you can do it yourself! This is a standard scientific-quality, high decibel, low distortion, battery-powered, fully operational eye chart. Just increase your distance from the chart until you can read it. Note: Install the application along with the NSBasic Runtime. A real deal at only $6.66. Test your eyes now. NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # Clrl-Alt-Del: On-screen IQ Test: Press the test button and your brain waves are instantly scanned by your palm device. Your intelligence quotient (IQ) is then neatly displayed on your palm device. Discover why everyone is laughing at you! Not useful for those on Texas' death row. Press the interpret button to get a personal analysis. Note: Install the application along with the NSBasic Runtime. See where you fit in the gene pool and your credit card will be charged $83.29! NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # mmm34: On-screen mirror. Look in the mirror and read the message! Lots of laughs, even though the joke is on you! Note: Install the application along with the NSBasic Runtime. Never be without one for only $25.54! Order now. NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # dotdash: On-screen Morse Code translator. To use this program, set the boxes for Echo and Sound. Then press the Begin button. Echo will cause each alpanumeric of your Graffiti input to be displayed at the bottom of the screen. The Sound option will cause your Palm OS system to emit a Morse code tone for each of your letters. When the screen fills a message box will appear and then you can erase the screen. This program serves no useful purpose but only costs $74.49 so who cares? Download now. NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # billgatesisadweeb: On screen Windows emulator for the Palm platform. Win98 brings the complete Windows computing experience to the Palm OS. Not only is it slow, unstable, and cumbersome, it is heavily bloated and chews up over 300K of your valuable palm resources! No longer be envious of CE owners with their big memory needs, fast processors, and low battery warnings. You can now have it all! Just think! Now you'll be as familiar with your Palm's reset button as you are with the Microsoft three-finger salute (Ctrl-Alt-Delete)! Only $325.50! Try to run Windows now. NOTE Requires MathLab.prc and NSBasic Runtime.

Item # 3290100300000000000000001a: On-screen excuse. Use one of our excellent photo-proofs as an excuse for missing that exam, wedding, or court appearance. Each excuse costs only $29.95 and are fully reusable.

Car Accident	Kidney Stolen	Grandma Died	Tied Up
Apartment Fire	Broken Leg	Taken Hostage	Alien Abduction
Transgenic Corn	Space-Time	Giant Ticks	Hospital
Flesh-eating bacteria	Ear bit off	Evil Witch