Wimpy and Ineffectual Dirty Bomb

Wimpy and Ineffectual Dirty Bombs

Note: Only good Americans should read this information. This site must NOT be accessed by members of the Axis of Evil, their sympathizers, or members of al Qaeda!

What is a "dirty bomb"? A dirty bomb is any bomb not made by the United States. Our bombs are carefully constructed of only the highest quality materials, assembled in clean rooms, and then polished to a high luster that qualifies them as the cleanest bombs made anywhere in the world. As one famous statesman recently remarked, "our bombs are so clean that you could eat off them!". Therefore, all bombs made outside the U.S. are, by definition, "dirty bombs"; especially those produced in countries where human waste and industrial sewage run through neighborhood streets. A picture of an All-American clean bomb is shown below.
Should we only have to worry about being soiled by these bombs? Unfortunately, no. Unrighteous fundamentalist Islamic dogs, being completely incapable of producing a real nuclear weapon (or anything else of lasting worth), have discovered that a few pounds of dynamite can effectively disperse readily-available radioactive medical waste blocks from the original explosion. This is a so-called "dirty bomb" and it should not be confused with our sparkling-clean enhanced-radiation nuclear weapons (where a cobalt jacket is wrapped around the weapon mechanism to instantly produce huge quantities of radioactive cobalt-60; our way of salting the earth). Learn more here. A short how-to in German is here. I took the liberty of translating it into English here. Essentially, all you need to do is combine some radioactive material with a few pounds of explosives and America's paranoia level will instantly soar to red, red, red! The picture below shows a cut-away view of a typical dirty bomb, along with a picture of a heavily duct-taped version.

You're kidding! This is so easy it could be a merit badge project for a girl scout! How much damage could it possibly do? It's true that any ten-year-old American kid could easily make such a weapon, which means that it's probably within the capabilities of many of those in the axis of evil. Depending on the type of radioisotope, the damage will vary. Click on the pictures below. Obviously, cobalt-60 has more bang for the buck!

~~Where can I~~ How can they get a hold of nuclear material? Isn't that next to impossible because of careful monitoring by our ever-diligent government?

How to get Cobalt-60. A careful reading of this document will reveal which countries would be likely sources for your radioactive supplies because of transportation and poor oversight. Or, you can do the same thing in New Mexico. The 2.6 acre Mixed Waste Landfill is located in Sandia's Technical Area 3, about 5 miles southeast of Albuquerque International Airport Just follow Interstate 25 to the site! More information on the site can be found here including maps of the pit layout and types of radioactive material found in each pit. If you're planning on visiting the site, here's a map:

And here's a satellite view, along with a topological map; all courtesy of the US Geological Survey!

More Fun Facts!

The Washington Times reports that it is now a "working assumption" in the intelligence community that al Qaeda has nuclear capabilities. It is assumed that the materials are stashed somewhere in Afghanistan. In fact, Uranium-238 was discovered near Kandahar last December, in caves or tunnels near an abandoned al Qaeda base. One radiological weapon, a.k.a. a dirty bomb, could be made from the material that was found. The article goes on to mention that in March 2000, customs officers in Uzbekistan along the border with Pakistan intercepted a shipment of Strontium-90 bound for Quetta, Pakistan.

The article goes on to mention that many feel that low-level radioactive materials like those required for a dirty bomb would be all that al Qaeda has in its arsenal. There is a minority view that al Qaeda may have some control over Pakistan's nuclear arsenal. However, there have been reports going back as far as January 2002 that indicate the United States has control of Pakistan's nuclear stockpile.

The other possibility the article explores includes suitcase nukes. Former Russian General Alexander Lebed, who ran against Boris Yeltsin in 1996 and died in a helicopter crash earlier this year, reported in 1997 that as many as 84 of the devices were missing from Russia's military inventory. Effects of a suitcase nuke could include 100,000 killed and 100,000 deaths later from cancer if it was exploded in the center of a large city.

The article points out that "one senior Western intelligence contact is adamant that the terrorists do have a number of these weapons — nine, to be precise. The price on the deal is put at $30 million, plus 2 tons of opium per nuke."